An author wrote, “The real state of our spiritual life is best revealed late on some Tuesday or Thursday afternoon after a rough day.”
Whoever he or maybe she is. I find the statement scrawled in pencil on a scrap of lined paper stuck in the spine of an old sketch book. The name of the work has faded from the torn sheet…and even from my memory.
But her words they stand strong. They resonate. They punch me soundly in the gut on this late afternoon.
It is on a Tuesday after a very rough day.
And the real state of my spiritual life has been revealed so very clearly.
With impatient words and gruff voice. Jagged nerves. Too little charis, too much malice in my thoughts, words and deed.
Not such a pleasing sight. Not right, not right.
Oh, there are reasons. Always reasons.
A conversation that opened up old wounds and prompted the flow of tears from deep within. Jaw muscles tensed, clenched and locked to keep the feelings in and pain from spilling out. I worked to get them free–the muscles and the memories. And oh the bitter feelings flowed. Spirit-breaking remembrances that are as old as I am. They are too long with me and they have kept me from…
From experiencing a constant connection of the soul. A comfortable place of rest for my spirit. A centeredness and settled-ness that creates a sense of being all right with the world, with myself and with God.
So what now?
I sit and silence the commotion of spinning thoughts inside. I ease into quiet. I let go of the wrestling with and blocking out of all that once hurt and allow it to flow into the stillness. I sense the vastness of God and the goodness as well.
Tomorrow is Wednesday. Another day to allow a more relaxed and gentle spirit to be revealed.