i am done.
i care but I cannot, will not, follow any longer the presidential election.
words spoken by one of the candidates enter my ears, register in my brain and cause despair.
i cringe. i cry out in disbelief. how can any sane person, any thinking, caring, loving person begin to think that this ignoramus is fit to run this nation? any nation? my nation?
it’s absurd. no… worse than absurd.
yet, millions of men and women are equally convinced this same individual–for whom i feel no kindness toward, or faith in, only disgust for– can carry the country forward, through intensely rough times, violent issues, divisive actions.
almost as many people i call fellow Americans are for this individual as are, like me, against.
we are a nation truly divided.
i fear we may not stand.
i know for sure we’re not standing so tall at the moment.
my feelings run cavernously deep. my knee-jerk reactions have intensified, becoming raw, angry, resentful and sarcastic. i feel a slow burning rage that threatens to erupt. i have begun to lose respect for those who voice support for the candidate i oppose.
my irritation grows and lashes out in malicious, sarcastic, ridiculing words. the world is full of idiots i begin to think.
what arrogance i have.
i don’t like the person i am becoming.
emotions knot my gut. my heart pounds. my throat constricts. my mind reels with negativity bordering on despair.
i feel helpless, threatened and ill at ease.
no, this is not who i wish to be. not at all.
my higher power, the sacred being, the God of whom I entrust my faith does not require my rage to keep this country of mine going. the world will spin on as it will. my ire will not correct the ugliness of the world’s people one bit. the rulers of the nations will rise and fall –just as our nation may or may not. it is not mine to have a say in, really. other than casting my single vote and leaving the outcome in the hands of those confusing (to me) electoral college voters.
what is required of me–according to the talmud (old testament) — is to love justice, show mercy and walk humbly with God. these words repeatedly come to mind as if Someone, Some Presence, Some Greater Power wishes to remind me of my purpose and responsibility to those around me.
i can and must demonstrate my love of justice every day of my life. i can take a stand and speak up, raise my hand and step out on behalf of wrongs perpetuated to others because of the color of their skin, their sex, their religion, their abuse, their lot in life.
i can and do attempt to make every effort to show mercy on those around me. the poor and broken on the street as well as those who hide their hurt and shame inside lovely, elegant homes. i long to look through eyes of love and compassion at men and women with crushed spirits and little hope and offer whatever help i can. this, i desire, to extend to those with whom i both agree and disagree on topics of politics, faith and economics.
humility–now that’s a struggle. i sometimes find it extremely hard to consider everyone else as my equal especially if we are on opposite sides. i prefer to categorize them as worse (seldom better), lower not higher, and most certainly less worthy. out of my arrogance or insecurity, i tend to believe what i think is superior rather than just what i believe.
my truth is not another’s truth. not your truth. not your way. not your life.
and even those who insist that ultimate truth can be known by all and is exactly the same for all, these men and women, too, i must avoid feeling superior to. walking humbly means to let the beliefs of others be just that. i am not the deliverer of their truth. but boy at times i want to be.
during this election am finding it so very difficult to let go of the choices people make especially when those choices conflict with the ideas i hold dear. how difficult to know that what I feel in my core is right and good and necessary for the betterment of my world is not shared by so many others, others i have long respected and loved.
what’s the secret? what’s the way? i feel as if the world–more specifically the U.S.–is caught up in one giant burlap bag. inside, millions of us are rolling around in this confined space, tumbling out of control, bumping into each other, shouting to be heard, afraid of the outcome, determined to make our beliefs known and looking for ways to ensure the end is more fair, improved and offering a better way of life for all. or for at least me.
the odd fact is that i no longer live in the U.S. now, a resident of Ecuador, i am removed from the day-to-day in the land of my birth. i watch from a distance and listen to the words of new neighbors and friends from around the globe.
hotheadedness thrives in this tranquil land as well. expats carry with them flaring tempers, deep-felt emotions and the drive to be right. our exchanges on expat forums stir and heat up the water. passions rise. written battles ensue.
this morning i observed in me a flash of anger bordering on hate. i wanted to rip a contributor to shreds with words of my frustration and disgust. i didn’t. i signed off without writing a word.
there’s no walking humbly with the words i wanted to write. the way to show mercy is to keep quiet.at this point. the best i can do is to withdraw. seek silence. let the emotions go and trust that the events of the next 45 or so days will unfold as they should.
i am retiring from politics. i’ve said it before on my facebook page but i went ‘back to work’ after a while and that was not good. today i believe my eyes have been opened.
i’ve made my point. i’ve shared my thoughts. i’ve ranted and raved. i have attempted to (calmly) convince others to change.
it’s time for my silence.
i’m out of here.
i love the United States but i have no input for the direction it takes.
a saint of a woman once said, all is well. all will be well.
please, let it be.
these times are in the hands of someone far greater than me.